CALC DOT CONSAW JUGGORENAUT COMPUTER ***We are in the middle of a FUTURISTIC SPORTS ARENA. A crowd of THOUSANDS (or maybe hundreds, can't get too crazy) CHEERS IN ANTICIPATION. We join color commantators CALC DINKLEMAN and DOT HUNTERZ in the announcers' booth. CALC ...And we're back with the pre-game show, just mere moments away from the champion's entrance into the arena. Dot Hunterz, do you have any final thoughts before the mayhem begins? DOT Lemme tell you something, Dinkleman - I'm a former two-time JackArena Tournament champion myself, which only really amounts to one thing when you get down to it: I'm a survivor. But seeing the current champ and who he's going up against tonight...oh man, I tell ya - I'm sure glad I'm not out there pressing my luck with those two: they're BEASTS! And tonight there's gonna be a lot of blood pumping, a lot of heart-stopping action, and with the two maniacs who are going head-to-head in the arena tonight, well - they DEFINITELy wouldn't have it any other way. CALC Well said, Dot Hunterz - former two-time champ...in the non-stop gauntlet that is the JackArena Tournament. (beat) We've got word the champ is approaching the arena... ***WE cut to THE ARENA FLOOR. A GIANT SLAB OPENS from the GROUND, and OUT STEPS CONSAW. ***A DISORIENTING ARRAY OF FIREWORKS and FUCKING SWEET ARENA ROCK MUSIC punctuate his intro. The crowd GOES APESHIT. CONSAW (yelling, psyched up. give a beat between the lines so I can space them out plz) YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IS THIS WHAT YOU CAME TO SEE? IS-THIS-WHAT-YOU-FUCKING-CAME-TO-SEE?!?! YEAH! WHOOO! THERE'S ONLY ONE CHAMP! AIN'T NO ONE ELSE! AIN'T NO ONE TAKING THIS BELT! FUCK YEAH! Y'ALL HAVE COME TO SEE THE BEST! AIN'T NO ONE ELSE BETTER! CONSAW'S KEEPING THIS TITLE AND YOU KNOW IT! WHOOOOOOOO! CALC And the crowd gets what they paid for, and a whole lot more, with the energy and charisma of the JackArena Tournament champion, ConSaw! DOT You wanna talk about survival? You wanna talk about determination? This guy here, ConSaw...he eats nails and pisses out molten iron. He's crazy enough to have gone through the JackArena Tournament ladder with a broken hip his during debut season, and a fractured jaw the season after that. CALC But with his win last year, the old adage holds true: Third time's a charm. DOT Words haven't been spoken that are more true, Dinkleman. Certainly not in the case of the JackArena Tournament Champion title and a castaway from the Ossetra Four prison planet turned superstar that goes by the name of ConSaw. ***CONSAW makes his way to the center of the arena, awaiting his opponent. The audience DIES BACK DOWN TO A FEVERED PITCH. CALC But there's no doubt that one man out there is ready to show all the JackArena fanatics a new word for 'champ', and he's about ready to come on out. ***CUT to the contender's side of the ARENA. Another MASSIVE METAL DOOR OPENS...revealing the JUG-GORE-NAUT. ***SOME MORE VAGINA-LUBRICATING ARENA ROCK BOOMS OUT. FIREWORKS BURST IN THE AIR. THE AUDIENCE IS NOW CERTFIABLY INSANE. JUGGORENAUT (yelling, megapumped-up. As with CONSAW, space out the sentences) THAT'S RIGHT, YOU BITCHES, THAT'S RIGHT! CONSAW, THAT TITLE IS MINE! YOU HEAR ME, YOU PUNK-ASS BITCH?! I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT THAT BELT! I'M GETTING THE JACK FIRST, THEN YOU'RE GOING DOWN! IT'S AS SIMPLE AS ONE-TWO-THREE, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO! I'M THE JUG-GORE-NAUT, BITCH! CALC The crown Prince of Sevruga Seven, the man who literally would be king...until he tossed aside his title and rights of nobility to risk it all in the JackArena Tournament, where he goes by the menacing moniker of the Jug-Gore-Naut. DOT This man is a certifiable, one hundred-percent abomination of nature, Dinkleman. (beat) I thank the Gods that he wasn't around back when I was competing, because when people got hurt back in my day they were carried in stretchers all laid out, and chances were good that they'd never get back up. But this kid, the Jug-Gore-Naut, he's called...he looks like he could send out men by the dozen. LOOK at him! CALC Intimidating indeed, Dot Hunterz - nearly three hundred pounds of muscle, all of it directed at one man, for one night, for one shot at the greatest championship in the galaxy. ***THE JUGGORENAUT steps into the arena with CONSAW. The audience is ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEAT. JUGGORENAUT That belt is MINE, bitch! CONSAW (murder-serious) You've got to take it from me first, *princess*. JUGGORENAUT (making it clear that a nerve has been struck) RAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! ***a BUZZER RINGS OUT, signifying the jack selection. CALC And in a moment, we'll get to see who gets the first Jack. (to DOT) Dot, any thoughts? DOT This game, Dinkleman...I'm not gonna lie, a big part of winning is the luck of the draw. ConSaw's been 8 for 10 of his previous first Jacks, which means getting your hands on that cube defintely isn't going to hurt him more than it helps him. CALC But that's noting on the Jug-Gore-Naut's 10 out of 10 first Jacks, an unheard-of streak beginning even before his quarter-final matches. DOT I'm amazed here, in all seriousness - statistics don't seem to apply to this kid! He's gotten first Jack every single match he's been in since the Round of Twelve, and he's rode that advantage all the way to the Championship Arena. He's definitely not using it as a crutch, though - he's got nerves of steel, but as is the case with ConSaw, getting a first Jack isn't going to hurt him. CALC We're about to find out who has luck on their side - and who gets the first use of the Jack - right now. ***A LOUD COMPUTER TONE starts beeping faster and faster, ending with a BOOMING, FLAT NOTE, and a COMPUTERIZED VOICE. COMPUTER JUG-GORE-NAUT. JUGGORENAUT (triumphantly) YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ***THE CROWD, of course, GOES NUTS. CALC Once again, fortune favoring The Jug-Gore-Naut with the first use of the Jack in this JackArena Tournament Championship match. DOT Now, ConSaw always looks as cool as a cucumber on the ice moon of Beluga Two, Dinkleman, but I know he's gotta be sweating bullets somewhere under all that armor. He knows that the Jug-Gore-Naut is a psychological *assassin* with the Jack, fully prepared to strike when NO ONE expects it. CALC We'll see just how far they'll travel into each other's psyches as the buzzer is about to count off the first round of this JackArena Tournament Championship bout! ***A BUZZER ECHOES through the ARENA. It's on now. CONSAW (steeling himself) Come on, show me what you got! ***The JACK opens itself up in a high-tech way, revealing a neon-lit crank. It looks like a ultra-futuristic JACK IN THE BOX...but that's only because it is. ***JUGGORENAUT turns the crank a bit. The box PLAYS THE FIRST FEW NOTES OF POP GOES THE WEASEL. "All around the mulberry bush..." ***THE CROWD CHEERS. (pause) ***JUGGORENAUNT turns the crank some more. "The monkey chased the weasel..." JUGGORENAUT (confident, intimidating) Heh heh heh... DOT Oh my God, Dinkleman - this is INSANE. If ConSaw has ANYTHING resembling a weakness, it's trying to withstand a slow burn of the Jack. CALC The same can be said for everyone in attendance in the Arena tonight - the crowd is at the edge of their seats! ***JUGGORENAUT turns the crank once again, slowly. "The mon-key stopped"..."to pull up"..."his sock"... ***Though the crowd is cheering they are tense as all hell. A PAUSE HANGS IN THE AIR. CONSAW What are you waiting for?! Do it! (beat) DO IIIIIIIIIIIT!-(is suddenly interrupted by...) ***JUGGORENAUT turns the crank that extra fraction of an inch. THE CLOWN POPS OUT OF THE BOX. A MASSIVE SHRILL BUZZER STABS INTO THE ARENA, SIGNIFYING IT. Also, "Pop goes the wea-sel!" CONSAW (immediately goes into a girly shriek) AAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! ***CONSAW flies backwards, landing on the arena floor WITH A HARD THUD. COMPUTER POINT: JUG-GORE-NAUT. ***THE CROWD BECOMES A MASSIVE ORGY OF CHEERING. JUGGORENAUT (totally pumped) YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! CALC (barely containing his excitement) An INCREDIBLE opening fakeout from the Jug-Gore-Naut, with a play that has sent the champion sprawling! DOT (not really containing his excitement at all) UNBELIEVABLE! SIMPLY UNBELIVEABLE! Right at the height of ConSaw's anticipation, the Jug-Gore-Naut SPRINGS THE JACK, turning the tables on him! My GOD, JackArena fans, if the rest of the match is ANYTHING like this, it will go down as on of THE DEFINITIVE JACKARENA MATCHES OF ALL TIME! CALC No one will disagree with you on that, Dot Hunterz. A quite literally STUNNING opening awards the first point to the Jug-Gore-Naut. But during the next round when the reigning champ gets the Jack in HIS hands, we'll certainly see both WHY and HOW he got the title to begin with. And with ninety-eight more rounds to go, this is surely THE start of an undeniably EPIC JackArena Tournament Championship bout! Stay tuned for Round Two! ***Burst of TV static