THE REGISTRY SKETCH FIRST - Matt Cruea REGISTRAR - Ben Hales? ig? who the fuck knows SECOND - Jenna THIRD - Lucien FOURTH - Cody Coleman NARRATOR - Lucien (an unassuming man eager to tie the knot with his sweetheart enters the registry office and encounters the REGISTRAR) FIRST Hello..is this the registry office? REGISTRAR Indeed sir, it is Good morning. FIRST Right then, heh...hello, I'd like to get married. REGISTRAR ...I'm afraid I'm already married, sir. FIRST Er, no, no. I just want to get married. REGISTRAR I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'd be a somewhat of a hassle... FIRST Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because- REGISTRAR You see, would you live with me or should I shack up with you, 'cause I've just got a big mortgage. FIRST No, no, I want to get married *here*. REGISTRAR Oh, and I had my heart set on a church wedding. FIRST Look, I just want you to marry *ME* to Mrs- REGISTRAR I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married? FIRST Yes. I want to get married very quickly! REGISTRAR Suits me, sir. FIRST No, I don't want to marry you!- REGISTRAR There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir. FIRST LOOK - I just want you to act as registrar and marry me! REGISTRAR I *will* marry you sir, but please make up your mind. And please don't trifle with my affections! FIRST (attempting to clear the confusion) *sigh* I'm sorry, but let me explain- REGISTRAR That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already. FIRST Look, I'm already engaged. REGISTRAR Yes...and I'm already married. Still, we'll get round it. SECOND (entering) Good morning. I want to get married. REGISTRAR I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir. SECOND Well, can I get married after him? REGISTRAR Divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen... THIRD (entering) I want to get married, please. REGISTRAR Goodness, it's my lucky day! All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir. THIRD What, those two getting married- Nigel? What are you doing marrying him?! REGISTRAR He's marrying *me* first, sir. THIRD But he's engaged to *me*! FOURTH (big and butch) Come on, lovey. SECOND (to FOURTH) Can he marry me? REGISTRAR Oh dear, it's the missus! Threedayslater *wedding theme* NARRATOR (V.O.) Things turned out all right in the end for the five suitors. They're all married and living happily in a naughty part of Greenwich Village.