THE REGISTRY SKETCH

FIRST - Matt Cruea
REGISTRAR - Ben Hales? ig? who the fuck knows
SECOND - Jenna
THIRD - Lucien
FOURTH - Cody Coleman
NARRATOR - Lucien

(an unassuming man eager to tie the knot with his sweetheart enters the registry office and encounters the REGISTRAR)

FIRST
Hello..is this the registry office?

REGISTRAR
Indeed sir, it is Good morning.

FIRST
Right then, heh...hello, I'd like to get married. 

REGISTRAR
...I'm afraid I'm already married, sir. 

FIRST
Er, no, no. I just want to get married. 

REGISTRAR
I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'd be a somewhat of a hassle... 

FIRST
Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because-

REGISTRAR
You see, would you live with me or should I shack up with you, 'cause I've just got a big mortgage. 

FIRST
No, no, I want to get married *here*. 

REGISTRAR
Oh, and I had my heart set on a church wedding. 

FIRST
Look, I just want you to marry *ME* to Mrs-

REGISTRAR
I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married? 

FIRST
Yes. I want to get married very quickly!

REGISTRAR
Suits me, sir.

FIRST
No, I don't want to marry you!-

REGISTRAR
There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir. 

FIRST
LOOK - I just want you to act as registrar and marry me!

REGISTRAR
I *will* marry you sir, but please make up your mind. And please don't trifle with my affections!

FIRST
(attempting to clear the confusion) *sigh* I'm sorry, but let me explain-

REGISTRAR
That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already. 

FIRST
Look, I'm already engaged. 

REGISTRAR
Yes...and I'm already married. Still, we'll get round it. 

SECOND
(entering) Good morning. I want to get married. 

REGISTRAR
I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir. 

SECOND
Well, can I get married after him? 

REGISTRAR
Divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen...

THIRD
(entering) I want to get married, please. 

REGISTRAR
Goodness, it's my lucky day! All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir. 

THIRD
What, those two getting married- Nigel? What are you doing marrying him?!

REGISTRAR
He's marrying *me* first, sir. 

THIRD
But he's engaged to *me*!

FOURTH
(big and butch) Come on, lovey. 

SECOND
(to FOURTH) Can he marry me?

REGISTRAR
Oh dear, it's the missus! Threedayslater

*wedding theme*

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Things turned out all right in the end for the five suitors. They're all married and living happily in a naughty part of Greenwich Village.